Fair Play & Managing the Load
Monday, November 17, 2025
Fair Play 101
When I became a parent, I fully believed I could keep all the balls in the air. I pictured myself building a business while raising babies, keeping a home while maintaining friendships, traveling, volunteering—living a big, full life. And since my husband and I were a great team, I assumed the logistics of domestic life would simply… work themselves out.
But of course, they didn’t.
What I didn’t anticipate was how much of home life would operate on assumptions—assumptions about cleanliness, schedules, habits, emotional labor, and who would notice what. After thirteen years of living together, we had never once discussed how we wanted to run our home. Not one conversation about sheet-changing frequency or how towels get hung up or how laundry goes from hamper to drawer.
Instead, like most couples, we worked off inherited patterns. And like most mothers, I slowly found myself carrying more and more of the invisible weight of family life. By the time we added kids, a pandemic, and a cross-country move into the mix, I was exhausted and overwhelmed.
Finding Fair Play changed everything—not because it magically fixed our lives, but because it gave us language and a structure to finally talk about what had been unspoken for years. We realized where we had common ground and where we had gapping holes that needed additional support.
Once I started sharing more about Fair Play professionally, I created my own four-step process for parents to move from being slightly performative and burned out to living their values, together.
The 4-Step Framework
1. Audit & Eliminate
The first step is simply noticing what you’re actually doing. What balls do you both currently have in the air—the daily grind, the emotional labor, the holiday magic, the random tasks you absorbed because “someone had to.”
This is where my own realizations hit the hardest. Why was I folding baby clothes every night when they could be tossed in drawers unfolded? Why was I making elaborate birthday parties? Why did thank-you notes need to be handwritten (or written at all)? Many tasks were never consciously chosen—they were inherited burdens. Releasing them created immediate relief.
2. Define the Minimum Standard of Care
Once you see the landscape, you can start naming what “good enough” means. This is where tension often lives—partners doing the same task but imagining totally different outcomes.
Once a couple talks through the MSC—what clean means, what on-time means, why something matters emotionally—a huge weight lifted. This helps parents understanding their partner's logic instead of interpreting everything as laziness or overreaction.
3. Make the Invisible Visible
This was the game-changer. The moment tasks left my brain and landed onto a shared system—a calendar, a whiteboard, a shared note—my mental load eased. Suddenly, we were working from the same information instead of relying on memory, mood, or intuition.
This also made our conversations calmer. Instead of reacting in the moment (“Why didn’t you remember X?”), we saved discussions for family meetings and reviewed everything together. The invisible became visible, and the visible became solvable.
4. Determine Ownership
Finally, Fair Play teaches that clarity requires ownership. Each task needs one owner—someone who is responsible for the Conception, Planning, and Execution (CPE). Ownership doesn’t mean doing everything yourself. It means thinking the task through, coordinating what’s needed, and ensuring it gets done (even if you delegate).
Once you assign ownership clearly, you can stop stepping on each other’s toes—and stop letting things fall through the cracks.
The Bigger Picture
Fair Play is not about chores, scorekeeping, or a perfect 50/50 split. It’s about humanity. It’s about recognizing the cognitive labor behind domestic tasks and giving it the respect it deserves. It’s about reducing resentment and cultivating teamwork.
It’s also not couples counseling. Fair Play works best when your emotions are low and cognition is high—when both partners are willing to participate with curiosity rather than defensiveness.
How to Get Started
Schedule Your Meetings
Regular check-ins are essential. Avoid Sunday nights if you can—everyone’s tired. Instead, try a weekday morning, a lunch break, or a quick “happy-hour” style meeting. If you have young kids, try to meet without them. If your kids are older, they can join once you have a rhythm.
Assess Your Starting Point
Check in with how things feel right now:
- A: Things are mostly fine, but you want more clarity.
- B: Resentment is simmering.
- C: You’re totally over it.
Your starting point will influence how you begin—jumping in with the whole deck, starting with the Happiness Trio, or choosing one card to explore together.
Be Creative
Your version of Fair Play should feel like you. Split tasks by day, time of day, or season. Tie tasks to other routines. Rotate. Trade. Experiment. The goal is clarity and collaboration, not rigidity or perfection.
And remember: you’re not alone. The patterns you’re navigating exist in households around the world. The personal is political. And change at home ripples outward.
Want More?
The Fair Play documentary gives a powerful look at how this system transforms families in real time. And / but if you’re thinking, “Okay… this makes sense, but how do we actually _do_ this in real life?” — that’s why I co-founded the MOVE Your Marriage we-treats. It’s a one-day, in-person retreat designed to help couples move from ideas into embodied practice. We take frameworks like Fair Play, communication rituals, and emotional regulation tools and make them real, doable, and mutual. If you and your partner want guided time to reset your patterns, deepen your connection, and walk away with a shared plan for your home and relationship, you can join me at moveyourmarriage.com. It would be an honor to support you both as you put this work into motion.
Find live, virtual & on-demand classes and support groups near you: